Metal Gear Solid 3 radio conversations

These are a list of conversations in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater that are either funny or contain some secrets. These can be obtained using the radio.

Cardboard Box talk with Sigint
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must have the cardboard box equipped.)

Sigint: Uh, Snake... What are you doing?

Snake: I'm in a box.

Sigint: A cardboard box? Why are you...?

Snake: I dunno. I was just looking at it and I suddenly got this urge to get inside. No, not just an urge - more than that. It was my destiny to be here; in the box.

Sigint: Destiny...?

Snake: Yeah. And then when I put it on, I suddenly got this feeling of inner peace. I can't put it into words. I feel... safe. Like this is where I was meant to be. Like I'd found the key to true happiness.

Sigint: ...

Snake: Does any of that make sense?

Sigint: Not even a little.

Snake: You should come inside the box... Then you'll know what I mean.

Sigint: Man, I don't wanna know what you mean! Between you and Para-Medic, is everyone but me that is hooked up with the Major strange!? Snake: ...

Sigint: Yeah, well, anyway, I suppose even that dumbass box might make a decent disguise if you wear it inside a building.

Sigint's opinion on the Naked Camo
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must be using the Naked camouflage.)

Sigint: Snake, what's up? Why are you naked? I know there's a "NAKED" option under "UNIFORM" that lets you take off the upper part of your uniform. But without a shirt on, your camouflage sucks, and your stamina goes down faster. You don't get any advantages whatsoever.

Snake: Sure there are.

Sigint: Like what?

Snake: It feels good.

Sigint: ...Man, you do whatever you want.

Snake: I will, thanks. Just one question, though.

Sigint: What?

Snake: Is there a way to take off my pants?

Sigint: Say WHAT!?

Snake: My pants, can I...

Sigint: Ah, hell no! This FOX unit is a nut fest!

(if one listens carefully after Sigint gives the above line, Snake laughs a little, suggesting he was trying to get that reaction.)

A Bit Slow
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must call EVA when he is in Groznyj Grad.)

Snake: "EVA, about this Major Raikov..."

EVA: "Yes?"

Snake: "You said he had 'Colonel-class' authorization, right?"

EVA: "Right."

Snake: "But his rank is Major. So how can he have 'Colonel-class' authorization?"

EVA: "Raikov is treated as an officer of equal rank with Colonel Volgin."

Snake: "Treated as the same rank?"

EVA: "Yeah."

Snake: "Even though he's a Major?"

EVA: "Right."

Snake: "Why?"

EVA: "You don't know?"

Snake: "No."

EVA: "Even after seeing that photo?"

Snake: "Nope."

EVA: "Has anyone ever told you you're a bit slow?"

Snake: "What are you talking about?"

EVA: "I'll leave you to think about it."

Snake: "Wait a minute..."

EVA: "Gotta go."

Is There Something Missing?
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must call EVA after he met up with her behind the waterfall.)

Snake: "EVA, about the contents of my backpack you got for me..."

EVA: "Is there something missing?"

Snake: "Yeah, all of my food."

EVA: "Well, how strange..."

Snake: "You didn't..."

EVA: "It wasn't me!"

Snake: "..."

EVA: "All those snakes and crocodiles and suspicious-looking mushrooms... I wouldn't eat that stuff even if you paid me!"

Snake: "What about the instant noodles?"

EVA: "..."

Snake: "EVA..."

EVA: "I was hungry, OK!? Give me a break! It's just a little packet of noodles..."

Snake: "It wasn't just the noodles. All those animals I worked so hard to capture..."

EVA: "That wasn't me."

Snake: "So who was it?"

EVA: "It was Ocelot."

Snake: "Ocelot?"

EVA: "He said he wanted to eat the same things you did."

Snake: "Why would he do that?"

EVA: "You haven't figured it out?"

Snake: "No."

EVA: "You are dense."

Snake: "...???"

Sigint's Nightmare
(To obtain this conversation Snake must contact Sigint after experiencing Snake's Dream)

Sigint: Snake, you OK?

Snake: Yeah. I had a terrible dream.

Sigint: No kidding. What happened?

Snake: I don't want to think about it. I was being attacked by monsters that looked human. And I'm... not even sure if I was really me.

Sigint: At least it was just a dream. It's all over when you wake up.

Snake: True.

Sigint: When you think about it, the fact that you can imagine a situation worse than the one you're in now means life can't be all that bad.

Snake: I sure hope so.

Sigint: Well, let me tell you about the absolute worst, most sickening nightmare I ever had. This isn't one for the kids. OK, so there's this big pile of crap, right? It's shaped like a giant tank and it's walking around on two legs, goin' on a rampage and stompin' on people and houses and stuff. And this giant turd is carrying the nastiest missiles you ever saw. Like, whenever it launches one of its turd missiles... whatever it hits - people, trees, buildings - turns into shit. My hometown, my old school, my family, my girlfriend, old man John... Everything in that turd's path turned into shit.

Snake: That's pretty sick, man.

Sigint: Good thing it was just a dream, huh?

Snake: Yes, that's a good thing.

Sigint: You feeling better now?

Snake: Yeah.

Sigint: Good. Then let's get down to business. You see, Snake, people are just sacks of shit and they're full of holes. Fill 'em up with water and it's gotta come out from somewhere... OK, maybe that was a bad example. What I'm trying to say is, no matter what the situation, there's always a way out. Don't throw in the towel yet. Clear your mind. Think it through. Assess the situation. You'll find a way to escape.

Snake: Got it.

Sigint: Don't let my nightmare come true.

Snake: Right.

Snake's A Bully
(To obtain this conversation Snake must contact Sigint after hitting EVA.)

Sigint: What the hell, man...!!

Para-Medic: I can't believe you!!

Major: Of all the - I can see now I chose the wrong man for this mission...!

Snake's A Bully 2
(To obtain this conversation Snake must contact Major Zero after hitting EVA)

Major: Snake, why are you attacking Eva!?

Para-Medic: What were you thinking!? I thought you were better than that!

Sigint: I can't believe you, man!! You got a lot of nerve pulling something like that!

Major: Pull yourself together and focus on the enemy! That's an order!!

The Mask
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the mask and call Major Zero during the Virtuous Mission)

Major: Snake, are you wearing that mask again?

Snake: Yeah. For some reason is feels kind of... nostalgic.

Major: Yeah well... for some reason I don't like it.

Snake: Why not?

Major: Something about that face just rubs me the wrong way.

Snake: It looks fine to me... but if you hate it that much, why did you give it to me in the first place?

Major: Well... that mask was originally created for use in another mission. An agent was supposed to disguise himself as a Soviet officer and sneak into an enemy installation. We had it all set to go, but certain circumstances forced us to abort the mission. With the mission cancelled, the mask was going to be thrown away... but the guy at the CIA's tech division who created it pitched a fit...

Snake: Why'd he do that?

Major: He said it was too good to throw away.

Snake: ...

Major: According to him, that mask is a revolutionary new design that lets the wearer blink, something that wasn't possible up until now.

Snake: I'd think you'd want to make the lips move before bothering with the blinking.

Major: Yeah, I thought so too, but for some reason he's obsessed with making it blink...

Snake: Whoever he is, he sounds like a crackpot.

Major: Mmm. Well, he does good work. But I spend three days a month just dealing with the complaints we get about him... ah, well, never mind... Anyway, I decided to put this mask we had in storage to good use by hiding your identity from the gunship crew.

Snake: I get it... so this mask is based on a model somewhere.

Major: That's right.

Snake: What do I do if I meet that guy?

Major: That's not going to be a problem.

Snake: Why not?

Major: The man the mask is based on is a GRU officer. You're in the KGB's sphere of influence. Chances are you won't run into him.

Snake: If I do?

Major: Beat the crap out of him.

Smoking Snake
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the cigar and call Para-Medic.)

Para-Medic: Snake!

Snake: What?

Para-Medic: Are you smoking a cigarette?

Snake: Nope.

Para-Medic: Yes you are.

Snake: It's not a cigarette, it's a cigar.

Para-Medic: Same thing.

Snake: Not at all. In fact, there's a world of difference. There's nothing quite like the rich smell and mellow flavor of a cigar. And that thick, luxurious smoke is almost sensual when it...

Para-Medic: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. You know something?

Snake: Probably not, but I don't want to hear it.

Para-Medic: Well, you don't have a choice.

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: Cigarettes are bad for you.

Snake: It's not a cigarette, it's a...

Para-Medic: Quiet, you!

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: Smoking is bad for you. In a recent study, scientists found that tobacco smoke is full of carcinogenic substances, like nitrosamines. You know what that means? It means you're going to give yourself lung cancer if you keep on smoking.

Snake: But that's just what some scientists think, right?

Para-Medic: Oh, give me a break.

Snake: I heard it was just a bunch of hu-hah.

Para-Medic: Do you really believe that?

Snake: Sure.

Para-Medic: God, you're gullible. You ought to read this year's report from the Surgeon General. It proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that smoking causes lung cancer. Pretty soon the whole world will know that smoking is bad for you. Better quit now before it's too late.

Snake: But...

Para-Medic: And don't tell me cigar smoke is harmless because it doesn't go down into your lungs. It just means the cancer shows up in a different place.

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: Got it?

Snake: Yeah, yeah...

The Croc Cap
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the Croc Cap and call Major Zero.)

Major: Snake, what in God's name...

Snake: How does it look?

Para-Medic: It looks cool!

Snake: Huh?

Para-Medic: It looks cool on you.

Snake: It does?

Para-Medic: Yeah!

Snake: I don't think "cool" is the right word.

Para-Medic: Why? What's wrong with it?

Snake: What's wrong... Don't you think it looks silly? Doesn't it make you laugh? Aren't you going to ask me what the hell I was thinking?

Para-Medic: No.

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: I think it really does look good. It reminds me of "The Alligator People."

Snake: Oh... the what?

Para-Medic: "The Alligator People." It's a science fiction movie. You've never heard of it?

Snake: No.

Para-Medic: Oh... well you should see it sometime. It's about this guy who gets hurt in a car accident and tries to heal his wounds by injecting himself with a crocodile serum, but then his head turns into a crocodile head. You look just like him with that mask on. That's awesome.

Snake: Right...

Para-Medic: ???

Major: Ah, never mind. I suppose you might be able to disguise yourself as a crocodile by wearing that cap and sticking your head out of the water.

Sigint and the Croc Cap
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the Croc Cap and call Sigint.)

Sigint: A cap shaped like a crocodile head, you say?

Snake: Yeah. What do you think?

Sigint: I think it's a great idea! You know, animal disguises are one of the oldest tricks in the book in the intelligence world. I don't know whether it's true or not, but I've heard that during World War II, the OSS used to use cow suits. Supposedly they'd send agents out to hide in herds of real cows so they could spy on enemy units as they passed by. Nowadays, I guess most people wouldn't even give a crocodile-shaped cap a second look. They'd think it was just a gag item. But if you use it the right way, it can be an effective weapon for spying. I gotta hand it to you, Snake, you're one sharp guy.

Snake: ...

Sigint: You OK, Snake?

Snake: Forget it...

Sigint: ???

EVA and the Croc Cap
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the Croc Cap and call EVA.)

EVA: Snake?

Snake: EVA, what do you think?

EVA: (Laughs) What a dork! You must be kidding me! Are you willing to risk your life for that joke?

Snake: All right! Finally, I get a normal response...

EVA: ???

Snake: Everyone was giving me strange responses and acting like nothing was odd about it. I was starting to wonder myself, but now I feel better.

EVA: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but you look adorable in it. (Laughs) Sorry, I've got to go. This is too much.

Snake: ...

Russian Glowcap
(To obtain this conversation Snake must eat a Russian Glowcap and call Para-Medic.)

Para-Medic: I see you've found some Russian glowcaps. The Russian glowcap is kind of luminescent fungus - a mushroom that glows in the dark.

Snake: Why would a mushroom glow in the dark?

Para-Medic: It's bioluminescent, just like a firefly. It uses the so called luciferin-luciferase reaction. To put it simply, luciferin reacts with luciferase in the presence of magnesium two plus ions, breaking it down into oxyluciferin and carbon dioxide. The carbonyl groups in the oxyluciferin are initially in an electrically excited state. When they return to their base state, they give off light. Did you get all that?

Snake: Not really.

Para-Medic: Oh.

Snake: I ate one and it recharged my batteries!

Para-Medic: Huh!?

Snake: I thought a mushroom that glows that bright was bound to charge up my batteries if I ate it. And I was right.

Para-Medic: Y...you're serious...??

Snake: What's wrong?

Para-Medic: N...nothing... Um, Snake, can you excuse me for a second?

Snake: Sure.

Para-Medic go out codec a little, sounds far

Para-Medic: Did you just hear that?

Sigint: Yeah. There's no way eating a bioluminescent mushroom would cause your batteries to recharge.

Para-Medic: What do you think it means?

Sigint: Beats me... maybe it's all in his mind.

Para-Medic: You mean like a placebo effect?

Sigint: Why not? You've seen how gullible he is.

Para-Medic: I guess there's no harm done. Should we let him keep believing it?

Sigint: Sounds good to me.

Para-Medic: OK, Snake, I'm back. Yes, the Russian glowcap is a glowing mushroom, so it'll recharge your batteries when you eat it.

Snake: ???

Snake Can't Smell
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must call The Boss during the Virtuous Mission.)

Boss: If you want to survive in the jungle, you're going to need to hone all of your senses. An unnatural movement in the undergrowth, a tiny shadow peeking out through the trees in the distance - always keep an eye out for any signs of the enemy's presence. Your sense of hearing is equally important. Visibility is poor in the jungle, so you've got to learn to pick up the enemy's presence from the sounds you hear around you. Always be listening for that one snap of a twig among the chirping of the birds and the babbling of the brooks. Your sense of smell is also important. Body odor, sweat, gunpowder, food... These faint smells wafting in the wind will tell you where the enemy...

Snake: Uh, no.

Boss: No?

Snake: I can't smell.

Boss: You... What now?

Snake: I can't smell.

Boss: Not at all?

Snake: Nope.

Boss: Not even a little bit?

Snake: Not a thing.

Boss: Oh... Well, then, you'll just have to trust in your instincts as a gamer.

Quack
(To obtain this conversation Snake must call Para-Medic during the Virtuous Mission.)

Snake: Para-Medic.

Para-Medic: What's up?

Snake: Are you a medic, or a doctor?

Para-Medic: I'm a well-respected physician. Or I was, until I joined the CIA.

Snake: How was your reputation?

Para-Medic: My what?

Snake: Your reputation.

Para-Medic: Oh, that.

Snake: How was it?

Para-Medic: Why? Don't you trust me?

Snake: That's not what I meant.

Para-Medic: Fine, then.

Snake: Mm-hmm... So?

Para-Medic: So what?

Snake: Your reputation - how was it?

Para-Medic: My! You're relentless!

Snake: Hey, I'm a snake. So?

Para-Medic: My reputation was spotless. I'm highly skilled, patient, and good-looking to boot. Everybody wanted to see me. What else would you expect?

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: No, seriously.

Major: Incidentally, her nickname back then was "Quack."

Para-Medic: Major!

Snake: ...Is that true?

Para-Medic: Mm? Is what true?

Snake: About your nickname. Para-Medic: No! ...Well, maybe a few people did call me that...

Snake: So you were a quack?

Para-Medic: No! ...Well, yes and no. I mean, in a sense I was, but then again I wasn't...

Snake: ???

Major: Snake, her skills as a doctor are beyond reproach. You have my word on that.

Para-Medic: Yes! That's exactly what I was trying to say, Snake.

Snake: Then why did they call her "Quack"?

Major: It's because she...

Para-Medic: Never mind that! It doesn't matter. We've got a job to do, and we have to stay focused. Besides, my past doesn't have anything to do with the mission and...

Snake: Because she never shuts up?

Major: Yes, that's it.

Para-Medic: No, that's not it! Snake, tell him that's not true!

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: Say something!

Snake: I'd better get back to the mission.

Major: Yes, you do that.

Para-Medic: Just a minute! Snake! Don't you hang up on me!

Snake's Been Trapped
(To obtain this conversation Snake must fall get hit by a trap in Chyornyj Prud and then call EVA.)

EVA: Snake, be careful. I might not have told you this yet, but that swamp is rigged with traps.

Snake: Tell me about it.

EVA: So you know already?

Snake: Yeah.

EVA: Well, then, you're all set. The traps in that area are set to go off when a rope stretched along the ground is disturbed. Keep a close eye on the ground and make sure you don't trip over a rope. I mean, far be it for me to call you an idiot who can't avoid even the simplest of traps. But you know.

Snake: Rrgh...

EVA: What's the matter?

Snake: Nothing... never mind...

EVA: ???

The Patriot
(To obtain this conversation snake must equip the Patriot and call Sigint.)

Sigint: Using the Patriot, eh?

Snake: Yeah. It's the same one The Boss was using.

Sigint: Where'd you get it?

Snake: Hmm?

Sigint: I said, where'd you get it?

Snake: Sigint, don't get worked up over the details.

Sigint: ??? Whatever. Anyway, the Patriot is a one-of-a-kind sidearm made especially for The Boss. It's basically an XM16E1 with the barrel cut short and the stock taken off. The idea was to create a large pistol that combined the feel and quick handling of a handgun with the force of a rifle. But with a barrel that short, the recoil is unbelievable. It's tough to aim, but it more than makes up for it in firepower. From the looks of it, it's fitted with a 100-round drum magazine... And it never runs out of ammo?

Snake: Never.

Sigint: Why's that?

Snake: Because the internal feed mechanism is shaped like an infinity symbol.

Sigint: Ah, I get it. Yep, that'll give you unlimited ammo.

Afternoon Tea
(To obtain this conversation Snake must equip the Chocolate Chip camo and call Sigint.)

Sigint: Ah, you're wearing the chocolate chip pattern.

Snake: Chocolate chip? You mean this camouflage?

Sigint: Yeah.

Snake: I've never heard of a camo pattern called that before...

Sigint: Yeah, I know. I just thought it up right now. The chocolate chip pattern is probably designed to provide cover in a desert environment. It should work best against a sandy or rocky background.

Snake: Makes sense. But why'd you call it chocolate chip?

Sigint: 'Cause that's what it reminds me of.

Snake: What?

Sigint: Those little round cookies the major is always snackin' on.

Major: They're not cookies. They're scones.

Sigint: Major!

Major: And it's not a snack. It's afternoon tea.

Sigint: Snack, tea, same thing.

Major: No, it's not! Look here, afternoon tea is a fine old English tradition.

Sigint: Uh oh. Here we go again. Talk to you later, Snake.

Major: The origins of afternoon tea go back to the Victorian Era. Anna Maria, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, was...

Wear Whatever You Want
(To obtain this conversation, Snake must equip the Tuxedo and call The Boss during the Virtuous Mission.)

The Boss: Snake...

Snake: What's up, Boss?

The Boss: Don't you "What's up" me. Just what do you think you're doing?

Snake: What do you mean?

The Boss: "What do I mean..." What is that camouflage you're wearing?

Snake: Oh, this. What do you think?

The Boss: Of all the...

Snake: Looks pretty good on me, doesn't it?

The Boss: Are you out of your mind? You can't wear that in battle! It's like saying to the enemy, "Hey, here I am! Shoot me!"

Snake: Well, I'll admit, it's a little on the flashy side...

The Boss: Then why don't you...

Snake: But it does look good on me, doesn't it?

The Boss: ...

Snake: You don't think so?

The Boss: Listen, wise ass! Camouflage isn't going to do jack if it doesn't help you blend in with your surroundings!

Snake: Well, I think it looks good on me...

The Boss: Fine! Wear whatever you want!

Snake: ...I thought you'd like it...